Review for Varric Sumber

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Jedi Knight Muse
Posts: 22

Review for Varric Sumber

Post#1 » Fri Apr 03, 2015 11:25 pm

Disclaimer: Duke is basically ‘forcing’ me to write this, because he showed it to me last night and I gave him feedback but he wants a more formal write up. So, uh, yeah. :P

Strengths- only one strength, which is intelligence.
Weaknesses- only one weakness, which is anger, but he’s a Sith, so…that shouldn’t really be a weakness? It could go either way.
Needs more for both.

Personality:
he will almost always result in violence, that is unless he is presented with something he likes, which included the following: dead bodies, blood in a blue wine cup or a fluoro orange permanent marker.
…this is just creepy/weird/do they even HAVE permanent markers in Star Wars?

History:
he was the fastest of the lot, after many years of training with sticks they were eventually told to make their own power stone.
How many years is “many years” if he was a little kid when he started? And what the heck is a power stone? Is that even a Star Wars thing, or did he make it up?
None of them had enough rage to make even a speck of power in the rock, the father got furious a proposed a test, he told all of them to learn Telekinesis and the last one to learn it will die.
…yes, because this is totally something a little kid would learn overnight. Telekinesis might be a basic Force ability but you don’t learn it a the snap of a finger.
so in a blazing surge of rage he lifted his right hand up to create a ball of fire then with his other hand, followed up with a force choke, then by covering his entire body with the flame created by him he engulfed his own son in flames until there was nothing left until bones.
….I don’t even know what to say to this, except “no.” >.>
then the father handed out two small pebbles for them to release their anger on.
The pebble thing is really hard to take seriously. :|
You are to kill each other, the winning will get my gratitude, the other will, well yeah.”
…Officially hard to take this “Sith lord” seriously.
She went flying backwards and hit a rock that was pointing upwards, then when she used her Force Speed ability, Varric had no other choice but to use it too, but it was too late, he felt his feet being kicked from underneath him and his back fell to the ground, then on top of him was his sister, Lightsaber to his neck, she kicked his hand and to release the Lightsaber from his grip and then kicked it away.
1. Holy run on sentence, Batman.
2. From Wookieepedia:
Force speed would only be achieved after a Jedi used the Force to attune their entire body with their heightened reflexes. The power could be used with such velocity that they appeared to simply vanish from their previous position. If the user was in unarmed combat, they could use it to swiftly bring an end to a skirmish. However, there was a drawback to using this power; using Force speed had a draining effect on a Force-user's energy and metabolism, and required a longer recovery period.[23]
So they both use Force speed, but it doesn’t even affect them? I mean, I know this specific paragraph talks about Jedi, but I’m assuming it would still apply to a Sith using it and they’d feel drained after using it.
she dropped to the ground and a large amount of green gas came out of her chest
…….
I’m thinking he’s been watching too much Men In Black or something.
”Very good my son, now, you be my apprentice, I will teach you Force lightning tomorrow, and then, you will become, the greatest Sith there ever was!”
…this kid is, what, six or eight years old or something? First of all, it takes a TON Of energy, not just with the Force, but just like…general energy…to be able to generate Force lightning, and it’s very unbelievable that a kid that age would be able to do so. Secondly, it’s not something that’s taught to you overnight. There are a rare amount of people who used it. Even Darth Vader wasn’t able to use it, according to Wookieepedia. It’s an advanced skill that would take YEARS to learn. Not to mention, the more you use it, and the more it increases, the more deformed you become (i.e. Palpatine).

Okay, yes, he was eight years old.
OOC: if they don’t breathe then oops
Someone obviously didn’t do any research on Zabrak’s. Why…would they not be able to breathe?
then when he got outside of his house, he saw a nearby group of bandits swarming the village, god knows how many there were, maybe tens of thousands! Who knew, but what was worse, is that they all knew Pyrokinesis.
…I find this ridiculously hard to believe.
engulfing his father in a wave of flame, no one knew why they came, but it was lucky they did, because they managed to kidnap Varric as a new clean slate, ready to be trained as the ultimate bandit.
…so he sees his father being burnt to death, doesn’t react, and just lets himself be captured and trained as “the ultimate bandit.”
After just a year Varric had mastered Force lightning and Pyrokinesis,
…nope.
After passing all the tests the sith empire had for him
So the Sith empire is made up of a group of bandits? o.O
Force-Sensitive? Is the speed of light 299,792,458m/s?
…..
Core Powers - Mastered
Force Lightning – Expert
Pyrokinesis – Mastered
Force Destruction – Expert
Okay, here’s the thing. He’s thirty-two years old, but he’s not accounting for what happened between the age of eight (or I guess the age of nine) and thirty-two. He would have needed to train and get the experience to be able to be a master and expert of these things, and there’s no way he’d be an expert of Force lightning at thirty-two years old.
Varric is a natural with the Glowly sword,
…I’m assuming the “glowy sword” is a lightsaber.
He has a pet bacteria living on his tongue.
……no, no, no, no, NO!
He uses a double ended Lightsaber, one end is red and the other, orange. He can spin it around him and can twirl it around his fingers.
….He does realize that he would CHOP OFF his fingers, right?
He has 2 arms, 2 legs, a neck, 2 feet, 2 hands, a head,
…I can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic or serious by listing the body parts that he has as “equipment.”
The one man ship that he stole from the bandits on his home planet
He didn’t say this in his history.
I have been fourum roleplaying since the start of the recent chirstmas holidays and are a decent writer.
There were a lot of run on sentences and misspellings, and he’s using improper grammar just in this sentence (the bold part) alone.

YOU OWE ME, DUKE! :P

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Duke
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Re: Review for Varric Sumber

Post#2 » Sat Apr 04, 2015 1:33 am

Indeed. Thanks, Muse! It's always good to get an outside opinion, especially from an administrator with years of roleplaying and character reviewing experience herself. This profile in particular was difficult to judge for me, so I'm glad to have a second opinion.
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